this plan is shitty

Someone asked us which year of marriage is the hardest a few years ago, Joe and I looked at each other and said in unison, the first. Not because we had to get used to living together, or combining our finances, or figuring out our new roles. It was because that is the year that my hubby got his diagnosis. I was seven months pregnant with our first baby girl when he came to me on a Tuesday of the Fair, the look on his face was nothing I had ever seen or ever will see again. He told me the mole he had removed recently had came back as melanoma. The very next day we were headed to the Hillman cancer center to see what there was to do next. It was a long seven year battle, almost our entire married life, trying to keep him with us.
From the day I met him, I was all in with him. I would fight for him, until I couldn't stand.  I thought if I could have fought hard enough I could have kept him with me, with our girls.  Until the last breathe he took, I thought I could have brought him home with me, loaded him in the jeep and head to Stoltz Road. Cancer is a real bitch, it stole my husband, my heart fell out of my body and smashed on the floor, our girls will spend the rest of their lives with just a memory of him. One year and one month out from losing him I don't know quite how I will get through this life without him. I have had more people than I care to remember tell me that Joe was in a better place, that this was in God's plan. I can not be on board with a plan where my husband, my girls' father dies at 35. That is one shitty plan. What good could possibly come with that plan.  I spent time at church, went to church camp, sang the songs, read the verses. But today I think, if God himself came down here and told me why this was a good plan for me, I still wouldn't believe him.