one thought away

In the fall before I lost Joe one of the couples in our group had their marriage break up.This friend came to the hospital with me the night before I lost him, she brought a bottle of wine and we sat in the ICU room and after figuring out how to get the cork out without the proper tool, we drank it, we laughed and cried, and I laid in bed with Joe wishing that I would be able to drink wine with him again. These are the kinds of friends I love, they know just what I need. Not some bullshit card, not a prayer, not an empty "if you need anything call us" promise. The good stuff, the real stuff. wine and time. I saw my friend broken from her own marriage falling apart and I wondered what would be more miserable, to lose your husband on a good note, in love and looking forward to a future together, a team. Or to watch the man you love your team mate, find someone else that he thinks would suit him better, be happier with, maybe even start a family with. I have the misery of our time together ending too soon, my heart falling out of my body and shattering. But I also have the memories, the beautiful girls he gave me and the knowledge that I was all in and so was he. On the other hand, having your man go to greener pastures also opens the paddock door for you to possibly see your husband being happy with someone else, even if she is a snout face, has bad manners and no self respect. But would the love you had for him continue and you would hope nothing but happiness for him, no matter what his choice? I don't know if I would have that kind of response, I am really good at holding a grudge, wrong me and you just signed yourself up for life on the shit list. So pain is pain, the misery is yours to do with what you will. Most of the past year I have been one thought away from breaking down, the pain was so close to the surface that any second it would bubble up and spill out like a pot of water on the stove. A song, a smell, a picture I found in his toolbox or just a thought, one thought. Maybe this year I will work on getting two thoughts away from tears. I know five young women that have lost their husbands this year in my community. That is a lot of misery, pain, regrets, doubts. It will be a long road, uphill, probably in the winter, cold, lonely, but for me I have to take this walk, I need to lead my own girls on this path. Through all this pain because I need to show up for them. Everyone has some sort of misery in their life, college, money, boyfriends, addictions, divorces, the loss of a child, everyone of us has a path we need to walk, all we have to do is show up.